Released Israeli-British captive Emily Damari, 27, shared her continued faith and courage for the return of fellow captives, as well as her experiences as a captive and her will to survive in a piece published in The Times on Sunday.
Damari, who was held for 471 days before being released in the February 2025 hostage deal, described the disparities and differences in her life before and after October 7.
Her life was split in two: the days before October 7, and those after. Damari described her life before the attack as idyllic, surrounded by family and childhood friends in the young adult neighborhood of Kfar Aza, characterized by parties, community, and routine.
She pinpointed the moment her “first life ended” as the instant she realized she was about to be taken hostage and begged her captors to kill her instead. In that moment, she lost her core need for freedom and control. Life two was marked by captivity and release, and was defined by what she wrote as "belief, pain, visions, supernatural connection, meaning, grit, and guilt".
Damari detailed being shot in her mother's safe room after a terrorist's bullet miraculously jammed the lock. She was shot in the leg, and a second bullet tore through her left hand, removing most of her middle and ring fingers after her dog, Choocha, was shot and killed.
Damari fought for autonomy
Despite being held for 15 months, she consistently fought for autonomy.
She corrected her captors, insisting she was a rahina (hostage), not a sajina (prisoner), and demanding the basic human rights due to a prisoner. This was also instrumental in showing her grit; she detailed performing up to 500 sit-ups daily, simply to have an activity that she could control. In captivity, she gained the nickname “John Cena,” according to her account.
Damari, as well as the hostage forums and Israeli government, had to hide her sexuality. As a member of the LGBTQ+ community, Damari could not share that side of her. Her fears were confirmed when a masked captor told her he would be obligated to kill his own brother if he were gay.
Damari’s faith was tested and tried, but grew to new levels. Her religious outlook shifted from moderately traditional to a deep, direct, and conversational relationship with God, she wrote. Damari and fellow hostage Romi Gonen would interpret their intense, vivid dreams, seeing themselves as figures from the biblical story of Joseph.
Signs of hope
Through her captivity, she experienced signs of hope.
On April 6th, 2024, her mother’s birthday, she received a sign she had begged for from God. Her captors, unusually, had turned on an Israeli Arabic-language news channel, i24, where she saw her mother holding her "missing" poster. Six months later, she found rocket leaves, the first salad she had seen in a year, and the taste instantly transported her back to her mother's house, filling her with the certainty that "everything would be okay one day."
Damari also detailed the intense survivor's guilt she experienced. She described struggling with the "guilt of being here" while her best friends and kibbutz neighbors, Gali and Zivi Berman, remain in Gaza. She could not comprehend how they could endure any more of the captivity she experienced.
She also noted that her relationship with time has changed, and her source of stress (which was once not knowing where life was taking her) is gone. She now finds strength and inspiration in "the little moments," like breathing fresh air and washing her face with clean water.
The image of her hand, missing two fingers, has helped her embrace her purpose and find strength in a visible disability — that image has helped others after the image went viral.
She concluded with an ultimate hope and prayer that she would spend the next October 7, just two days away, with Gali and Ziv, knowing that God is listening to her prayers.