The highlights of the first episode of the new season of Eretz Nehederet, Israel’s premiere sketch comedy show on Channel 12, were US President Donald Trump being carried in dressed like a Roman emperor – at least one from Caesar’s Palace – and Greta Thunberg turning into Debby Downer when she and her flotilla buddies discovered there was actually a ceasefire.
The true highlight of the show, however, which got a huge round of applause, was host Eyal Kitzis’s intro, in which he spoke about how all the living hostages had returned.
Emperor Trump
Following that, Trump (played by Omer Etzion, who does a spot-on imitation of the president) was brought in wearing a toga and a breastplate, being carried in on a chariot by the Eretz Nehederet equivalent of Nubian slaves, as politicians sang and danced around him. The headrest in back of him was decorated with a McDonald’s logo, a reference to one of the president’s favorite eateries.
Kitzis congratulated him on the ceasefire agreement.
“Some say it’s the best peace ever,” said Trump. “I’m in the zone. Let’s make more peace. Dogs and cats… The people here they love me. They’re going to name their kids after me. In the next following years, you will see many Donald Bouhbouts… Donald Finkelsteins, and if it’s a girl, you can name her Trumpa. The best name ever.”
Kitzis joked about Trump’s whirlwind six-hour visit to Israel on October 13, saying that Knesset speaker Amir Ohana’s welcoming speech took five hours – an exaggeration, but not a huge one. Ohana jumped in and said he still had more to say, launching into another speech. “Not again!” groaned Trump.
Trump then spoke about the Abraham Accords, saying, “I know you don’t say in Israel ‘Abraham,’ you say ‘Avi’” and signed the agreement with a giant pen. The show went on to lampoon what it portrayed as Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s servile relationship to Trump, who said, “I told Bibi, I’m tired of this war, you have to stop it now, and he said, ‘Sir, yes, sir!’ because he’s a good boy. And a fighter! And then I told him, apologize to the Qataris, and he said, ‘Yes, master, anything you say, master.’ Like a fighter, like a warrior.” Trump even said that the prime minister got down on his knees to pick up a Dorito he dropped, “Like a fighter, like a warrior.”
When Netanyahu protested, Trump said, “Give him a hanina,” using the Hebrew word for pardon, a reference to a comment the president made in his speech to the Knesset, when he asked Israel’s President Isaac Herzog to pardon Netanyahu in his ongoing criminal trials.
Enjoying his new leadership role, Trump called the IDF Chief of Staff Eyal Zamir and gave him permission to direct Israeli troops to start firing on Hamas again in Gaza, because Hamas broke the ceasefire. After a second, Trump told Zamir to have them stand down, then told him to start again, then to stop, next to send in Golani troops, then to call them home.
“Just kidding!” said the US president, expressing his affection for “my third-favorite country in the Middle East.” Netanyahu was upset to learn that Israel comes after Saudia Arabia and Qatar with Trump, who got off his chariot to greet the Qatari Emir who walked in just then, and they embraced, agreeing that they should stop the fighting and make more money, and singing, “All we are saying, is giving peace a chance.”
'They signed a ceasefire after we demanded a ceasefire? How dare they?'
The moment Swedish activist Greta Thunberg’s second flotilla to Gaza was intercepted by Israeli forces, it was clear she would have a starring role in the next Eretz Nehederet, and she did. The idiot student protesters from previous seasons, Kelsey and Wordle, joined her on deck, as she called, “Gaza, Gaza we have come to save you! Stop the war! Stop the war!” only to learn to her dismay that in fact the war had stopped.
“What? They signed a ceasefire after we demanded a ceasefire? How dare they?” shrieked Thunberg, using her catchphrase from her climate activism days.
Wordle wondered if maybe it weren’t a good thing that the war had stopped – “War is worse than gluten” – then suggested that maybe they help other oppressed people, such as Uyghurs in China or Christians in Nigeria, but Thunberg wasn’t interested when she learned there were no Jews involved.
When Kelsey suggested she go back to fighting against global warming, she wasn’t too happy, then perked up briefly when they saw Palestinians being shot on shore. But it turned out that Hamas was doing the killing, so it was fine with her. She couldn’t quite believe it when Wordle reported he could now see Gazans killing and eating a whale shark that ended up near the shore, which actually happened – and was filmed – this week.
“Yeah, it’s probably the ‘shrooms,” he decided.
Israeli politicians, soccer players, a baker famous for his croissants, and airport workers were also among the show’s targets this week, and the show ended when Kitzis said he hoped that the bodies of all the hostages killed in captivity would be returned to Israel soon, adding, “And remember, we have a wonderful country.”